Time for a new beginning.

“New Year’s eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted; and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness on other nights.” -Hamilton Wright Mabie

As I start writing this, I have 20 minutes left of 2010. Doctor Who’s The End of Time is on (I’ll switch over to watch the ball drop in a minute), and I’m lonely.  I don’t think I’ve felt this isolated in a long time. Everyone in the house is asleep, my mother and brother are somewhere between here and Florida. They begged and pleaded to have me wire them money. So I couldn’t go out tonight even though I sort of wanted to. (I’m also painfully sober.) Instead I’m alone. I’m so tired of being alone but I really don’t know how to fix it.

Ya know this year didn’t go the way I expected at all. I didn’t accomplish anything of note. I didn’t reach any of my goals. The entire year was a blur of doctors visits, therapy, chemo treatments. Of being the only care-taker. The best moment of the year? My 2 days away from here. Knoxville and Christiansburg. While those days were amazing and I got to spend them with 3 of the most important people in my life… That’s fucking pathetic. The two top days of the year shouldn’t be me running away from myself.

This year wasn’t uneventful… The birth of my nephew, my nieces 4th birthday, deaths to those I loved, deaths in the family of those I love. I mean, I love my little bits; I love and miss the ones that left us. … I dunno it’s sort of like those events are just something to mark time. It shouldn’t be like that either.

Speaking of marking time: 10…9…8..7…6..5..4..3..2..1. Happy New Year. May it be damn well better than the last.

So the old year is gone. I’m not sad to see it go.  I don’t make resolutions… well not at New Years Eve anyways but I do have some things that I will accomplish. Preferably this year but definitely within the next two.

In no particular order:

  • I will get the hell out of this place. I’m hoping for this state but will settle for out of this house.
  • I will get a job. Screw taking care of everyone. I just can’t do it anymore.
  • Said job will have health insurance or at the very least pay well enough that I can seek the medical help that I need.
  • The help I need will include anti-depressants again. I thought I was done with them but it turns out maybe I’m not.  Also getting my migraines under control
  • I will quit smoking. I’ve been on patches since the end of November but didn’t have the money to buy more this week so I’ve been smoking. That means I need to start over.
  • I will build up a social life. As I said earlier… I’m tired of being lonely. I want someone here (note the here part) that cares about me and my life. I want people I can go out with. None of those people need to be a romantic interest. Though, I wouldn’t turn one down.
  • Least important I guess… I want to do something with my knitting and crafting. Open an etsy store… go to craft markets and fairs… Something… Anything really.
  • Find a way to go to NY for the spring show. Realistically I’m not going to have the funds to do that. So if this is the one thing I can’t manage I will make it to the next New Heart.
  • Meet my sissies. That could happen at the Spring Show or New Heart but if not I’ll try to find a time that we can all meet in Denver or something.
  • Study more about my religion and religions in general. I’m going through a crisis of faith.

That’s really all I can think of for the moment. I’m sure there tons of other things that I want to accomplish/ will make happen this year. Now I just need to figure out how to get focused and determined to make them happen.

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~ by Last Night Here on January 1, 2011.

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