Hope…

Reading: Celtic Parables by Robert Van De Weyer
Watching: True Blood (don’t judge me)
Listening to: The Swell Season- In These Arms
Drinking: Libra Tea from Adagio
Quote: “Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.”- Anne Lamott

Before I get into today’s post I have to stop and say something. Holy fuck, guys…!! My proof that Mat is a timelord got 180 views. o.O You all are amazing. I was getting about 4 hits a day before you descended upon me. I hope a few of you stick around.

I do have to thank some people. Thanks to Fuck Yeah Kill Hannah for posting the link on their Tumblr, ImJustDifrent for tweeting about it and commenting, Lissa for sharing it on Facebook, Des for helping breed the idea and commenting, AnnwithanH for commenting and putting us on her blogroll, and last but not least my other family, the KHK for the awesome comments on the forum. You all seriously rock my face off.

Moving on… So as I’m sure you’ve noticed it’s been awhile since I wrote. Mostly because I’m just so busy at the end of the day the last thing I was to do is come here and re-live it all or think of something else to write about. (I never said I was a disciplined blogger) And, let’s face it, I was throwing something of a pity-party. A pity-party of epic proportions.

Then, I realized I was an asshole. Yes, things suck right now. Yes, things will probably suck for awhile. But, my pity party sure as hell isn’t helping. Sure, I’m surrounded by sick people who need constant care but, I’m healthy. I may be lonely but the second I posted on my facebook that my nephew was in NICU the comments of support came pouring in. I may feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to but every night my “sissies” message me. I may feel stifled and uncreative but your 180 views show me otherwise.

I think one of the biggest things I’m struggling with is that I feel like life is completely passing me by. It feels like I’m missing everything. Concerts, random events, and even just spending times with friends. I know it seems trivial but let’s face it. When you look over your life those are the things you remember. The people you were with and the adventures you had. I miss dragging myself home at sunrise after a spectacular night. I miss those evenings where it something simple turns into a giant adventure that I’ll talk about years from now. I even miss watching my best friends hit on men at the bar while nursing a beer and listening to bad techno. I hate thinking about the things I’m going to have to miss. New Heart For Xmas being the biggest example. (Granted New Heart is a double edged one. I’ll miss the actual event and exploring Chicago with Des and Lissa.)

In the end it’s ok. Sure I’ll miss some major things but I’ve done a lot in my life already. Not to mention this can’t last forever. I can get my life where I want it after this is over. I’ll keep doing what I have to do, and I’ll keep clinging to hope.

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune–without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

~ Emily Dickinson

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~ by Last Night Here on August 24, 2010.

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