The Obligatory Year-in-Review Post.

•December 30, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I know, I know… Everyone you’ve ever spoken to at any point in your life is linking you to their year in review blog. But, it’s in the bloggers rule book. Apparently, they revoke your membership and burn you in effigy if you don’t participate. None of us want that; so just play along for this entry.

I actually achieved some of my goals for this year. Which, believe it or not, is a first for me. I did move. Granted, it wasn’t under the circumstances I wanted, but the outcome is the same. I am out of the house that was making me so very miserable.

I’ve mentioned briefly on here about dad’s recent medical issues so the second goal I’m at 50 percent. I’m still his care-taker and will be for the foreseeable future. Granny’s brother has moved in with her, so I’m no longer her go to person.

I’m more involved with the KHK, and also with Bending Spoons. Both, however, deserve more attention from me. We will have more on that in future goals.

Considering that my work has been the KHK, Bending Spoons, and knitting. I obviously do not have health insurance. So I did not get back on my medications. I did however stop the ugly self-medication habits, and have turned to vitamins and herbal supplements. I also did not quit smoking, but I am more determined than ever to do so.

Speaking of the KHK, I did not make it to New Heart this year. I also didn’t make it to the Spring Show but that’s because there wasn’t one. Which means I did not get to meet up with Des and Lissa. This is still on my list of things to accomplish because those women are two of the most important people in my life.

Back on the upside of accomplishments, I did more with my knitting. I taught myself new techniques, and designed more patterns. The etsy store and craft fairs are currently in the works. I’m sure that will be accomplished soon.

The last on my list in January was to study more about religion because of my crisis of faith. I did not do this. I didn’t even attempt to do this. There’s really no excuse or reason. I just let it go.

Overall… I’m happy with this year. It felt very short and the majority of it blurred together. But with two days to go until it ends, I’m feeling fairly positive with the outcome.

Looking forward to next year I’m once again determined to make more of my goals happen. Some of them may seem trivial but it’s something I want for myself.

  • Stop Smoking. Seriously this starting and stopping and starting is ridiculous. So the number one goal this year is to quit for good.
  • Read one book a week for the entire year. These will be new books, re-reads will not count. This past year I read very very little. I pride myself on being well read. So I need to push myself back into the routine.
  • Write more. Seriously. I haven’t written and completed anything in quite awhile. I desperately need to get something out.
  • Meet up with Des and Lissa. Hopefully at New Heart again but I really do need to meet them elsewhere if NH falls through.
  • Go see Anthony more often. Once a year at Christmas is a sad, sad thing. Besides, I need to see his new house.
  • Put more work into the KHK and Bending Spoons. Do work with them that you are proud of.
  • Follow through with the Etsy store and craft fairs. Also learn more techniques with your knitting, and spinning. I’m quite proud of my projects but really want to get better and share with more people.
  • Save money for the planned tattoo. Yes this one is trivial, but it’s been drawn out and I want it so it goes on the list.
  • Blog more. You all might be glad to hear it or you’re groaning and moving your mouse to close the tab. Either way.
  • In addition to blogging more… no more memes. That’s right. Even if they are memes of my own design, they will not be posted here anymore. I know that some of you have to be annoyed with them. If for no other reason than I never complete them.

So that’s it. A short list of goals that are easily reachable. I do need your help with one of the goals, though. I need book recommendations. Because while do have a to-read list; it is woefully short, and definitely does not add up to a years worth of reading. Just drop your recommendations in the comments and tell me why I should read it. All genres and styles welcome. Since you are gonna be in the comments anyway… tell me some of your resolutions, goals, and hopes for the new year.


Quick side thought

•September 30, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I’m still working on catching up on the meme but I had to stop and share this.

As you know Kill Hannah is one of my favorite bands (this blog title is taken from a song title) and the community of fans has helped keep me stable.

That said their most recent release was two years ago and it was a phenomenal album called Wake Up the Sleepers. I highly recommend that you all give it a listen.

Des has written a fantastic review to see how the album has stayed with her over the past two years. I highly encourage you to check it out. Go read it and leave her comments. If you let me know you did I will give you 10 (make that 20) internet points. I’m still working on catching up on the meme but I had to stop and share this.

Two Years Later Kill Hannah Fans Are still Waking Up the Sleepers

I think I’ve reached the end of the internet

•September 22, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Websites everyone should visit

The Raccoon Society

Bending Spoons


Sinfest (comic)

TED Talks


Texts From Last Night

The Oatmeal

The AV Club

Tee Fury

Since I’ve reached the end of the internet tell me your favorite sites in the comments

Who doesn’t love Music and Movies lists?

•September 22, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Songs that everyone should love.

Love might be a strong word but in my opinion you should at least listen to them. So here they are in no particular order…

Motorcycle Drive By- Third Eye Blind

Something Vague- Bright Eyes

Songs that Saved my Life- Kill Hannah

So Long, So Long- Dashboard Confessional

Science vs Romance- Rilo Kiley

God Called in Sick Today- AFI

Disarm- Smashing Pumpkins

Sing- Dresden Dolls

Konstantine- Something Corporate

Swing Life Away- Rise Against

Movies everyone should watch

The Lost Boys
Come on an 80s vampire movie where the vamps were actually the bad guys? How can you beat that? They died disgustingly and couldn’t do sunlight. It had the Coreys, Kiefer Sutherland, and some weird shirtless dude playing sax. It’s so much more than 80s cheese.

I can hear the boos already. No I’m not talking about that god forsaken Brittney Spears movie. I’m talking about the actual awesome one. This one
This is the movie that got me hooked on the Robert Johnson story.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Do I really need to explain this? If nothing else just watch it so you’ll get all the references to it. Then you can see for yourself why it is awesome.

The Dark Crystal
Jim Henson, enough said.

Love Actually
I’m really not big on romantic movies. Yawn bore blah. But this is one of the few I really do enjoy. No specific reason, it’s just cute and I like it. Maybe it helps that they all don’t have happy endings.

Shaun of the Dead
I love zombie movies. They are so cheesy and B grade. But even if you aren’t a fan I think you should check out this one. The same way Scream made fun of the slasher films while still being scary, Shaun of the Dead does with zombies

My Own Country
From Amazon- “In this moving true story, an East Indian doctor takes over a hospital department of infectious diseases in rural Tennessee, just as the AIDS epidemic is sweeping the nation. Naveen Andrews (The English Patient) plays Dr. Abraham Verghese, a young family man who immerses himself in the lives of his patients. First, he must educate the residents of Johnson City, Tennessee, about AIDS. “What was common in New York and San Francisco was unheard of here,” says Verghese. Before long, however, the compassionate Dr. Verghese is overwhelmed with a caseload of 82 people suffering with AIDS from hundreds of miles around. The acting in the film is first rate, with Academy Award winner Marisa Tomei playing a simple southern girl whose beloved brother (played by her real-life sibling, Adam Tomei) is dying of the disease. Glenne Headly’s portrayal of a dirt-poor housewife who catches AIDS from her philandering husband is also especially strong. Mira Nair, director of such films as Mississippi Masala, brings her intimate knowledge of Indian traditions to the film, lending invaluable authenticity to its theme of clashing cultures. An engrossing, heart-rending picture, My Own Country is a true original that deserves a wider audience.”

Rear Window
As blasphemous as it may be. I’m honestly not a fan of hitchcock movies, this is the one exception. Fun story and the whole movie feels like it has been blanketed with claustrophobia.

Pan’s Labyrinth
You should watch this simply because it’s dark, gritty, and gorgeous.

Honorable mentions

Harry Potter Series
Boondock Saints
Wristcutters: A Love Story
Dead Poets Society

For an explanation of why you should watch these go check out Des’ entry.

Won’t say, can’t say, say say say….

•September 13, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Day 1 of  lists – Things you want to say (but can’t or won’t) to ten different people (one each).

I avoid confrontation at all costs. I’d rather bite my tongue off than get involved in drama. So, I tend to leave a lot of things unsaid. (However, when I do blow up it is glorious.)

1. Fuck you. No seriously, who the fuck do you think you are? If my life is so god damned easy and all my issues are because I’m spoiled I would be more than happy to switch places with you.

2. I know you. Most of the times you are ridiculously easy to read. That said I know when you’ve fallen back in that hole. And, believe me you have. This time I’m can’t chase you down and help pull you out. I’m sorry if you’ve become dependent upon me and our other friend to stop you from diving into the abyss. You can’t keep burning bridges with us and expect that. You are a grown-up. It’s time to act like one. I do love you and I hope that you drag yourself back to reality… I just have to put other things first this time.

3. I wish I knew what happened to you. You used to be so open-minded and accepting. I mean after all we were friends (and gods know you need to be open-minded to have me as a friend). We had similar views on politics, morals, and life in general. Now you are extremely conservative and judgemental on any lifestyle but your own. I missed you terribly and now that we’ve run in to each other again I know I’ll miss you forever.

4. I don’t want to tell you this and I hope for your sake I’m wrong but that relationship you have going just isn’t going to work out. Seriously give me a lists of relationships and have me rank them based on whose will fail first and I would pick your situation every time. Sometimes love just isn’t enough. Nevermind that the “love” is no where equal, you two have just created the worse train wreck waiting to happen.

5. Do you realize that you’ve become one of the biggest bitches in the world? I believe you think you’re being funny, but it’s to the point where I do my damnedest to avoid you. Snark and sarcasm are great things to have but you need to learn when they are appropriate. Or, even, how to use them correctly. When it isn’t directed at me I still cringe at the way you come across. Seriously, consider scaling it back a step or two.

6. Pack your freaking bags and get out. I know it’s not that easy and there are adult things to consider, but you are killing yourself. I hate to watch it. You are so vibrant and talented; that place is just eating you alive. I know it won’t solve all your problems but I really think that it would go a long way into getting you to the place where you can be content if not happy. Seriously fuck everyone else, focus on you for a change. Take the big scary leap and get it started. Because, I don’t want to think about what your life will be like if you don’t.

7. I know you are happy with where your life is right now and that you’ve made vast improvements lately but I still worry about you. I’m not even sure why. It’s just a nagging feeling that I should be watching you to make sure you are constantly ok. Some days I wonder if I’m going to get a phone call that something horrible has happened. I don’t know if you are depressed or anything like that. Like I said it’s just a nagging feeling that never goes away. I wish you would talk to me about your emotions a bit more.

8. I know I’ve sucked at the friendship thing lately. And I hope you know that I’m here day or night. All you have to do is pick up the phone and call. I know life is sucking for you as well and I do want to hear about it. You don’t have to be afraid that you will be interrupting the big ugly shit that goes on in my life. I’ve told you this before but you never seem to take it seriously. I usually get an eye roll. So maybe I’ve said it too much but its an open never-ending offer.

9. I think you need help. I don’t mean that in a condescending or negative way of any type. I’m seriously worried about you and think maybe your issues are larger than you realize. While I’m not a huge fan of here take these pills… I do think you need a professional to talk to and then if meds are the way to go for you then so be it. You are already self-medicating and I can tell you from experience that just makes things worse.

10. You have so much potential and so many things you could do. I feel like you throw it away.

A list of lists

•September 13, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Life has been extremely insane here so I apologize for the lack of updates (you know that one entry every 3 months… or whenever I feel like it.) Dad and Granny have been in the hospital. Actually Dad was in ICU and had to have an emergency amputation. He has since moved to the PCU and at the end of the week they hope to have him in a regular hospital room. That will surely be followed up by extensive therapy though at the moment we aren’t sure whether or not that will be him staying in a home with constant therapy or if it will be out-patient.

Granny, however, is back from her hospital stay and I’ve been taking care of her while balancing trips to the VA hospital. To add to my pile of fun, I’m applying for different apartments and housing that is handicap accessible. Our current house just doesn’t cut it, and I’ve reached the point where I can’t pick dad up anymore. We were both horribly unhappy here and thanks to steps and ledges dad had been confined to his bedroom (unless I was picking him up). I figure handicap accessible and therapy might get some of the weight off me. Also the farther I am from the rest of my family the better for us all. So, I’m jumping through hoops and limbo-ing under red tape for the government and packing.

Before that insanity started, Des and I made up another meme type thing. (I don’t suppose it can be called a meme if we are the only ones doing it so you all should play along.)
This one is 30 lists of Tens. Or you know, something with a catchy name. I’m behind her, but I plan on posting more than one a day to catch up.

1. Things you want to say (but can’t or won’t) to ten different people (one each).
2. Songs everyone should love
3. Movies everyone should see
4. Websites everyone should visit
5. Videos everyone should watch
6. Photos you wish you’d taken
7. Places you want to visit
8. Hobbies you have/want to learn
9. Books you want to read
10. Must watch TV shows (old or current)
11. Random songs from your library as chosen by shuffle
12. Toys you had or wanted as a kid
13. Current toys you wish they had when you were a kid
14. Best fictional characters
15. Things on your bathroom sink/in your bathroom cabinet
16. Currently active bands you want to see live
17. Things you wanted to be when you grew up/Careers you think would be cool now
18. Bands/artists people would be surprised to know you like
19. Ridiculous things you would buy if money were not an issue
20. Favorite things about your favorite season
21. Books everyone should read
22. Best soundtrack albums (movie or television)
23. Things that make you smile
24. Favorite artists or works of art
25. Historical figures you’d like to have a conversation with
26. Memorable cooking moments (good or bad)
27. People who would make a worse President than Bush
28. Places you would only vacation if someone else was picking up the tab
29. People (living or dead, real or fictional) you wish you could meet
30. Best moments of your life so far

Friendship is sanity.

•August 4, 2011 • 1 Comment

I tried to find the magic quote to sum up all of my feelings today, and everything that I read fell short. That’s quite alright though. It just means for the first time in awhile I feel something more than apathy or agony. (Apathy is the main reason I haven’t had anything to share on here in months.)


I know that I spend a lot of time talking about how my life sucks. It’s probably seems like it is the only thing that I talk about… or think about. Sometimes, it is. I get so caught up in the negative aspects of my life, trying to come up with miracle ways to dig myself out. I am incredibly impatient so I focus solely on that and forget the amazing things in my life. Make no mistake there are some awesome things in my life. In fact there are 7 beyond amazing things in my life. Better said I have 7 face-rocking awesome super amazing people in my life.


So being the person that I am I have to share with you how awesome they are. I hope they know how much they mean to me. I hope they know that even if I’ve been flaky recently that it is nothing against them. I just haven’t been in a frame of mind to realize that I sometimes across as bitchy or disinterested. I should also praise their patience; not only dealing with my shit but also because I have packages here that I haven’t been able to send since at least christmas for all of them.


Jacob has been a great support. He texts me often just to check on me. Last night in the process of walking home he kept me company through the texts, and then made sure that I made it home ok. (I’m currently without a vehicle and its not a short walk from the places I needed to go.) He accepts my outburst of rage at my situation. He listens quietly and calmly, assures me that its ok, and then let’s me poke fun at D&D for a complete diffusing.


Starr, much in the same way as Jacob, takes the time to check on me when I haven’t been online. Even though she is ass deep in her own problems, she never fails to ask how I’m doing or post on the facebook wall that she is thinking of me. Starr is also the newest person in the close circle but she feels like she has been here all along.


I receive most of my advice from Lissa. Even if the advice she gives is something I’ve already tried or addressed I appreciate it (and always will). She wants to help so she does everything she can to help me deal with the small parts so that I can tackle the large issues. Lissa’s also dealing with her own brand of hell. So I don’t under estimate the time she puts aside for me in the least.


Since Heather is the only one local on this list, she is the one who rescues me when I become a hateful recluse who doesn’t leave her bedroom. She drags me out into the world kicking and screaming, gets a drink or decent food in me, and reminds me that the world doesn’t fall apart if I take a few hours to myself. And, did I mention the drink part? One should never under estimate the power of alcohol and my love.


Speaking of alcohol, Anthony gets to put up with my drunk dialing. When I’ve finally had enough and want to drown my sorrows he is the one I call. That may involve me rambling at him incoherently (I’m not sure) but he seems to take it in stride. He also encourages my obsessions with anything other than my life. Sure he is watching Doctor Who because it ups his geek credibility and he gets all the pop culture references too; but, since he is watching it I get to relive it and focus on it again. He is one of the most patient of my friends. When I told him I couldn’t make it to the high school reunion or come down to see his new house and Harry Potter he more than understood. And until they changed the reunion (yay no ticket price.) he was still maintaining that I would go.


Harry Potter brings us to Des. You see having seen all of the movies within a week of opening night, Des realized the utter tragedy of not being able to see it in the theater. Even though she is saving to get the hell out of her shithole ghost town, she immediately sent me a fandango gift certificate. She knew it didn’t take away the sting of not being able to leave town for a weekend but it would help. Des is really the person I tell everything to. Anthony and Lissa may know almost everything about me; but Des really hears it all. I also think she understands where I’m coming from the most too. Maybe it’s because we’ve been through similar experiences or maybe it’s just because I talk to her the most. Either way she has really been a rock for me to hold on to, and as dramatic as it may sound I wouldn’t have made it through this year without her.


Last but not least is Eric. He is one of those that have been around since my Pagan Tea House days. We seemed to fade in and out of the others life but always manage to be there when one of us is in desperate need of someone. I think we fuel each other with our goals. Pushing when we need pushed and genuinely wanting to see the results of each others work. For example, one of my smaller goals this year was to learn to spin my own yarn. Thanks to all the personal stuff (that I really won’t go completely into here) I wasn’t in a position financially to do make that goal a reality. I was almost to the point of crossing it off my list as a failed resolution. Today though I got a wonderful package from him. It was full of yarn. But also it was a drop spindle and tons of raw fiber so I can learn to spin. Thanks to him, I can finish that goal.


As you can see, despite all of my difficulties, I am truly blessed. It’s not the packages or gifts from them. It is the fact that they stop to think of me (or in the case of packages they see something that reminds them of me so they have to get it). They care when I’m struggling and they truly want to see me better. They want to help in any way that they can. They don’t want or need anything from me.


Even though I didn’t have a quote that expresses exactly how I was feeling I would like to end on one that rings true considering most of these people I haven’t had a chance to meet in person or don’t see on a regular basis.


“There is magic in long-distance friendships. They let you relate to other human beings in a way that goes beyond being physically together and is often more profound.” -Diana Cortes



* On another note. I hope to strangle the apathy and start blogging again at regular intervals.